Light the sky

I have not just one secret. But many.

I grew up in a Christian home. I have a dad who emotionally abused me since age 3. I never felt like he truly cared about me. Never really felt like I was loved by him. I used to convince myself that I was adopted so that way it could explain why he acted the way he did. Other times I wondered if he resented me because of blood disease. When I was 2 and a half I was diagnosed with ITP, where basically my blood had trouble clotting and I’d bruise like crazy. I still wonder if he was upset that I got more attention than he did. I was an only child.

As I got older, the more I despised him. The more i used to wish that my parents would get a divorce. He would yell at y mom. If food had gotten cold. For waking him up during a 5 hour nap. Wanting him to go to church with us. Something was always her fault. After a couple years I decided I wanted nothing to do with God if he was anything like my dad. I mean why would I?

When I got to the third grade, I was boy crazy then. My first kiss was in 2nd grade and we kissed a lot. I started so much drama with other girls and I would chase after these guys like they were my life. And then when one didn’t work out. I’d move on to the next. I did this all through elementary school and middle school. You know what I really wanted? For my dad to love me. For him to not yell at me maybe ten minutes after saying it. Accusing me of things I didn’t do. Then high school. I finally could have some more freedom. I dated guys i didnt like, guys i didnt really know,owns my longest relationship was two weeks. I also usually broke up with them in notes. Oh and i got cheated on twice. I had the biggest crush on a senior when I was a freshman. I let him do what he pleased, but he never wanted a relationship. It used to drive me crazy. So then I started dating my best friends ex boyfriend. I knew it would hurt her but I did it anyway. The idea of being alone was that horrible and lonely. Two months later he told me he still loved her and didn’t want me. The first night on Band trip. So guess who swoops in? Mr. Senior. I got sexually assaulted that night. Two girls did too the next night. And no one believed us. For three more years I had the reputation that I lied about being assaulted and that I was desperate for attention. Guess who got charged with rape, to a 13 year old? I bet they wish they would have believed me and the other girls. It pays to be a teachers pet.

Took some time. And here comes the ex that broke up with me on Band trip. Suddenly a nice guy and wants to make this work. I’ll give him credit. He really had me fooled. One time. At the state fair he texted my best friend, his ex, that he wanted to sleep with her. For four hours he pestered her. Then that night when he was driving home he begged me for a blow job. Douche. Then I found out the next day. And I forgave him!!!! How desperate was I? Dated for some more, and then I chalked his car as a joke and he broke up with me. He never paid for a movie ticket, whenever we went to eat, etc. nothing. Dead beat. I hope his girlfriend is having fun with that one.

Forward down the line. Date this Christian drummer. Supposedly. Cheats on me within the first week. His first love supposedly. I was absolutely crushed. Then the ex comes back in the picture and claims how he wants me back. Classy guy. Then after I don’t put out gets another girl and they start dating out of the blue.

I take maybe three months before this other amazing guy comes along. We went on a friend date and he paid for everything. I thought he was the best guy ever. Compared to all the others. He was. Finally started dating. Then this new guy appears. He wasn’t the guy I dated. He would mock me, disregard my feelings, and act like I was crazy for feeling neglected. Not to mention we couldn’t talk about our spiritually lives and I couldn’t ask about his day or that would be me acting like his mom. I think it pissed him off that I got along with them so well. Months go down. He kinda asks about sex. I disregard it. Ask again. I do it. We’re gold for another two months before more problems arise. So then he tells me he loves and wants marry me one day. I fell for this one. So badly. Then I cheated. Not glorifying or saying I wasn’t in the wrong. He forgave me and so then we went on a weekend trip with my parents and that next Monday…. My dad tells my mom he doesn’t love her anymore.

That’s where we’ll stop.